This month I’d like to explore some ways to look at areas of marital conflict. We have had several couples talk to us this month about difficult conflicts in their relationships, so I guess that has made this topic stand out.

When we have areas where we constantly clash or are offended, there is usually a deeper root. Since finding that deeper root involves opening up and being vulnerable, many couples never try. It is easier to grouse about the symptoms on one side. Or on the other hand, to bear the nagging of an annoyed mate rather than deal with the deeper issues.

Let’s peak in on one couple and see if we can discover some underlying causes and some possible adjustments that could make this marriage better.

What happened when Henry came home from work?
Sally got home just thirty minutes before her husband, Henry,  and started dinner. She put a load of wash in the machine and slipped into the bedroom to get in more comfortable clothes. He joined Sally in changing clothes but hardly said a word. He turned on his computer and began surfing, apparently totally unaware that Sally was making lots of noise in the kitchen.

As they sat down to eat, Henry ate quickly, without a word. Sally made one or two attempts at conversation and got one syllable answers. The rest of the evening Henry read, played games on his computer, and watched TV. Sally cleaned up the kitchen, finished a couple loads of wash, got lunches ready for tomorrow and got ready for bed.

Sound familiar? Feel the tension? Sally certainly could complain about Henry’s lack of attention, his laziness with the house chores, or his distracted silence. Henry may have even noticed her irritation but stayed quiet to avoid another blow up!

Let’s dissect this disagreement and find the hidden causes for this scenario.
Clashing Expectations. Henry feels entitled to some quiet, personal time, especially after a hard day’s work and a creeping commute. That’s how he relaxes and soothes his frazzled nerves.

After they got married and started keeping house together Sally expected that Henry would want to help her in the kitchen, just to have extra time together.

If they could really hear each other’s expectations, they could find a compromise. He may need the first hour home to be totally relaxing: a shower, some news, even a mindless TV show. Sally could use that hour to do some chores that she knows she does better than Henry. Then, when both of them are feeling more human, and less edgy, they could do something they both enjoy together—a chance to reconnect and build their friendship.

The past. Sally grew up in a home where her father acted like a king on his throne at the end of the day. She resented that as a child and sees Henry’s passiveness in the evening as a replay of her childhood home.

Henry had a mom and sisters who doted on him as the only son. They liked to bring him tasty food they made themselves. They even kept his room neat because they didn’t think a boy could do housework.

Henry needs to let Sally know he treasures her and doesn’t feel like she is his slave. Sally may have to coach Henry in household chores. She might even ask him to do the ones that take more strength and less finesse.

Shifting Culture. Because Henry grew up in a home with a stay at home mom, he may actually have absorbed a culture that is quickly fading away. He never had a reason to discover that in the 21st century, with both spouses working outside, their roles must change. His wife doesn’t have all day at home to do the chores before he arrives home for dinner.

Exploring these areas openly, without blame and accusation, can lead to some good, long-lasting changes and more peace in the home. Why not ask some questions? Then open your heart as well as your ears to hear the underlying assumptions. Together find peaceable compromises. Some changes won’t happen right away, but at least if you understand the cause, you can be pleased with small steps in the right direction.

I know this is a newsletter for moms with small children, but sometimes our marital relationship needs to be tuned up before we can concentrate on changes in parenting. If I can be any further help to you in this area, please feel free to contact me and I will be happy to try to help.

I know this is a newsletter for moms with small children, but sometimes our marital relationship needs to be tuned up before we can concentrate on changes in parenting. If I can be any further help to you in this area, please feel free to contact me and I will be happy to try to help.

Please recommend First Steps to any moms with children under three years of age. They can request the bulletins with an email to me at: diane@firststepstoday.com  Or you can send me their email address and I will correspond with them personally.