Gentle Start-Up Exercise

Take turns reading one of the Harsh Start-up statements. The other will try to turn the Harsh Start-up into a Gentle Start-up. If you have trouble doing this, then work together to find a way you agree would be a Gentle Start-up if this were a problem in your marriage. Make this a team exercise, not an excuse to criticize or complain.

Harsh Start-ups:

1. We never do anything fun anymore. You are a workaholic!
2. You haven’t helped me with chores for weeks. I’m exhausted and you don’t even notice.
3. You’re so thoughtless. You don’t call me when you’ll be late or ever bring me flowers.
4. You always talk about yourself. Do you even care about my day?
5. You aren’t attracted to me anymore! You flirt with everyone else.
6. We got a collection notice today. You are irresponsible about paying our bills.
7. You never play with the kids. You’re a lousy parent.
8. You never say, “No” to the kids. You spoil the kids and I look like the ‘bad guy.”
9. Go back to the store for the things you didn’t buy!
10. You’re a slob! Look at this mess.

Need some help in softening these harsh start-ups?

• Think about ways to remember some success in the past in this trouble area. Affirm and appreciate any past success or progress in this area.
• Replace “never” and “always” with a statement about the current problem not the past.
• Think about what the “real” issue is instead of poking at several issues.
• Eliminate character assassination or name calling.
• Find ways to use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.