play | Your Child's Journey

How to Deal with Failure

December 4, 2015 by Diane Constantine

I read an article by Jill M. Richardson, How to Deal with Failure, part of her Strong Kids series at A Fine Parent.com. Her article was aimed at parents of older children and even teens. But there were a few things she pointed out that I think we should start practicing even with our young children.

We live in a day and a culture that pressures us to make sure our children feel good. We want our children to feel good, but there is a danger in micromanaging their lives so they don’t experience failure at all. There are things we can do to help them deal with failures when they come, so that they are not crushed by them.

These are the ones I felt were most important for parents with young children. You may read her entire article at: A Fine Parent

Rescue dogs, not kids

If a potential failure will not result in serious bodily harm or devastating embarrassment, let the child fail without Superparent to the rescue. Allowing for small failures now, teaches a child the skills to deal with, and perhaps even avoid, bigger ones later.

Value Unstructured Play Time

Free time is when kids imagine, explore, and create. These are the formative hours for developing skills to problem solve. Scheduling kids so tightly that they lose this time cripples their creativity, a significant key to dealing with failure.

Unstructured play also allows kids to work out potential relationship issues. It’s in learning how to take turns with the swings, create an alternate world in the oak copse, or cope with a rule-flouting bully that kids figure out rule making, negotiation skills, and the heeding of others’ (sometimes unspoken) language.

Cause and effect teaches better than a parent playing labor dispute manager. Because we all know how well that works anyway.

Teach Grit

Basically, it is the ability to persevere, maintaining effort despite setbacks and discouragements, with a marathon-type approach.

We can help our children find their passion and pursue it, not with a competitive mindset, but with a determination to keep at it no matter what. This “grit” is key to returning stronger from failure.

Normalize Failure

Parents who shield their kids from failure leave another unintentional result. Their children come to regard failure as abnormal and unredeemable. A person for whom failure is seen as catastrophic and unacceptable internalizes the message that failure cannot be recovered from. It is terrifying.

Send them the message: Failure is normal. It happens to everyone. It is a part of life and learning. It is not shameful.

Talk Through the Scenarios

What not to say: “You won’t fail.” “You”ll be great.” “They’d be crazy not to take you.”

Problem is, I can’t make that guarantee. I can’t promise she won’t be terrible. Plus, I don’t know all the factors going into whatever judgment she’s up against. Will she trust me again after she does fall on her face in that audition?

Instead, ask this question: “What’s the worst that can happen?” Whatever the answer, pursue it to the end. Helping her work through what could happen if she fails helps her face the fear of it.

Or say something like, ‘I can see you’re upset. What do you think is a good first step here?’

Have Fun

With sensitivity, learn to laugh at your own failures and teach your child to do so as well. Obviously, this doesn’t mean howling when your kid falls on her face in the gymnastics meet. It does mean that learning to have a sense of humor about our own faults and missteps helps us to cope with the bigger ones.

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Jill M. Richardson is a writer, speaker, former teacher, and pastor in the Chicago area. Besides her own three daughters, she has worked with kids through teaching, community theater, coaching reading teams, and youth groups.

See Jill’s Blog

Cultivating Creativity

June 25, 2015 by imdiane

I wrote the following as part of an article in the late ‘80s. Your baby may be very small and you don’t yet realize how hard it is to listen to a toddler’s long stories. Or your little child may keep trying to do things that seem silly or scary to you. Maybe some of the ideas in this article will help you cultivate creativity instead of stifling a gift God wants your child to develop.

Seldom a Discouraging Word

When Mike and I were courting, he knew that I was shy and didn’t like to do anything new. In fact, my fears made me rigid. Although flexibility is important for marriage, Mike looked beyond that lack and saw potential. God gave him wisdom to help me to get out of my prison. He didn’t dynamite the foundation and leave me fully exposed to the world I feared. At first Mike only built steps so I could peek over the top and see a whole world of new possibilities. God created in me a desire to feel the fresh breezes and sunshine, to try something new, to expand my horizons.

When I expressed an interest in doing something new, Mike would reply, “Why not?” I’d have reasons ready for him, but he would show me that my reasons weren’t real. Seeing the truth set me free and little by little the walls came down. Mike’s encouragement was the key that released me to fulfill the desires God had put in my heart.

Some time ago I read Edith Schaeffer’s book, What is a Family? One chapter describes the family as “the birthplace of creativity.” She caused me to think about all the opportunities we have to discourage or encourage those around us to fulfill their God-given creative potential. This is one of her statements: “Parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and sisters and brothers can . . . stamp out, ridicule, and demolish the first attempts at creativity, and continue this demolition long enough to cripple spontaneous outbursts of creation.”

Most of us have experienced this kind of discouragement. For example, many students hate Speech class. Why? For years they have heard that what they say doesn’t make sense, or that it is stupid. Many of us would never try our hand at painting, not even in the secrecy of our own homes. Criticism has conditioned us to believe we will fail.

Perhaps our family life was good. People didn’t set out to hurt us. They were just doing what had been done to them. Thankfully, we don’t have to perpetuate the damage. We can establish an atmosphere of trust that allows everyone in the family to develop their talents fully.

Encouraging Creativity

Not stifling the creativity of a child is especially important. The capacity for genius may be hidden in the child until someone takes the time and patience to cultivate it. Those first efforts at drawing may not seem spectacular, but given the encouragement of a loving family, they may develop into a talent that will bless many.

When we lived in Africa, one of our American friends used her artistic talent to transform the atmosphere of their dull, dreary apartment. Due to the lack of good materials, it’s not easy to decorate a home in Nigeria. Using very simple methods and only what paint was available, she turned a large wall in her living room into a mural. She could have painted a scene of snow-capped mountains or autumn leaves. Instead, using only black paint, she created a striking silhouette of an African woman. It broke the monotony of the white walls, and showed her love for her new African friends as well.

Encouraging Adventure

Many new pursuits begin when we find the courage to talk about them. We must have the freedom to share our hopes and dreams. We need someone to listen to our “wild ideas.” A steady diet of words like, “That’s impossible!” or “Don’t be crazy!” soon closes the door to communication. Positive questions, on the other hand, open the door to new ideas.

When I was fifteen, I asked my mom what she thought about my going to South America for the summer as an exchange student. Immediately she called a travel agent to find out how much an air ticket would cost. I was stunned! She hadn’t laughed at me. Instead, she was seriously trying to see if there was any way to afford it.

That summer I spent in South America planted the desire to live overseas later in life. That seed, sowed in my fifteenth summer, bore fruit that has affected hundreds of lives in other countries and cultures.

The response we receive to our first effort at a new endeavor means everything. Will we continue developing our desires or will we crawl away in defeat? A friend’s understanding and honesty can make the difference.

Writing has not come easily for Mike or me, although he had some positive experiences in high school and college, and I didn’t. Today, we sometimes edit articles for each other. If we are too critical, not giving encouragement, the joy of writing dies before the spark of inspiration bursts to full flame. But if we start by looking at the idea and the general design, we inspire each other. That first positive response is so important. Once we see that the idea will work, the excitement and pleasure will carry us through the tedious process of editing and rewriting.

The friendly, supportive, responsive family life we share in our home has made it possible for me to leave the fortress of my fears. Now I rejoice in the freedom of accepting new challenges and learning new skills.

How many new steps have you encouraged your husband, wife, or children to make this year? The Lord is the Master Creator. Just look at the beautiful world He made. He made us to be creative, too. Make it your family’s goal to encourage new steps and new ventures. That kind of encouragement could release your child from his inner prison into new freedom and fulfillment.

I’d love to hear your responses to this article and how this works in your family.

A Handful of Fun

March 26, 2015 by imdiane

Why Sensory Play is Important for Preschoolers

This article is by Amanda Morgan. She has her masters degree in early childhood development and trains parents and teachers. But she also is a mom with four sons who teach her something new every day. Please stop by her site: www.notjustcute.com. You can also sign up for her monthly newsletter.

Think of your average preschooler. How long has this child been proficient with language? Depending on the age, the child may not really be too proficient yet! Others seem to have been talking non-stop since 2 1/2, but that means they’ve been talking now for all of…..about a year! Now think of how long these children have been seeing, smelling, hearing, feeling, and tasting. Their whole lives! Children are wired to receive and utilize sensory input from day one. This is why children will dive in hands first, exploring a new substance. The senses are their most familiar, most basic way to explore, process, and come to understand new information.

This is why we must allow young children to learn through experience, not just lecture. These children need to use their senses and be engaged in meaningful experiences. As we talk with them about what they are observing and sensing, we give them new language tools to connect with these more familiar sensory tools, building language as well as supporting cognitive concepts specific to the experience.

Now, the flip side to this equation is important to remember as well. Just as children learn through their senses, they also are developing the ability to use those senses and are building the neurological pathways associated with each one. With added sensory experiences, combined with the scaffolding of adults and peers, children become more perceptive. Their sensory intake and processing becomes more acute. As they are better able to use their senses, they are then better able to learn through their senses.

Sensory play is really part of the scientific process. Whether out loud or within the internal dialogue of the mind, children have developed a question, leading them to investigate-by grabbing, smelling, listening, rubbing, staring, licking , what have you! They are using their senses to collect data and from that, attempt to answer their own questions. Whether or not young children are always able to verbally communicate this process, it is still a valid exercise in scientific inquiry.

[Read more…]

Share /Role Play

December 4, 2014 by imdiane

Last month I shared ways to help our children learn through play. This month I found this wonderful article by Tanya Marlow about sharing her faith with her son through role-play. What a wonderful time of year to begin using this type of play to teach the story of Jesus’ birth.
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Let Us Play
by Tanya Marlow at: Tanyamarlow.com

“You can be Jesus.” My little boy says this to me last Advent, when we are playing together in my day room on a particularly dark and rainy day.

I can “be Jesus” – he wants me to pretend to be the Son of God, made incarnate as a baby. I sit on the sofa, and in the few seconds I have before I respond to him, I try to sort through the complex emotions surrounding his request.

His favourite thing in the world is role-play, and every day he finds stories to enter into – Superman rescuing an orphan girl, or Cinderella going to the ball, or Aladdin on a magic carpet flying all over the world. The nativity story is just one more story to enter into, and it’s a good one, with secondary characters of angels and shepherds and the best, most holy kind of magic.

He is already talking, bustling around with cushions as props, arranging a stable as he prepares to be Joseph, and I try to catch my thoughts. I can be Jesus. Why am I struggling with the concept? It still feels slightly blasphemous – I think that is my problem. How can I pretend to be Jesus? Am I breaking one of the ten commandments, making a false image of God? What if I get it wrong…?

And there, right there, I realise what is at the heart of my hesitation. Play is dangerous, because I might get it wrong. We might stumble into blasphemy along the way. I am someone who needs to get it right. It feels written through my identity, like a stick of rock: I am someone who does the right thing, and gets it right. I am the good girl.

Playing is a kind of rebellion. To pretend to be God, even in play with my three-year-old, shakes and challenges my very core.

It was about two years ago that I first came across Alice Buckley’s blog, Play on the Word. A friend had recommended it to me as a good resource for parents who want to introduce Jesus to their children. When I read her site, it was utterly revolutionary: at once intuitive and counter-intuitive.

Her thesis is simply this: Children love to play. So the best way to introduce them to Jesus is not just through books or discussions but through play, either with art and craft, messy play (don’t get me started on my hang-ups with making a mess in play…) or role play.

I read her website again: yes, she really did mean role play. But that meant not just acting out lines and the ‘right things’, but improvisation. And that meant departure from the Bible, a filling in of gaps as we explored together how it might have been. Again, that question – what if I get it wrong?

But it felt peculiarly liberating, as I read her website, to realise she was giving me permission to share my faith with my son in his native language, the language of play. I took a deep breath and entered into the story with him.

First I played Mary, and he was the angel Gabriel. This Gabriel was so excited to share the news that his eyes grew wide and he bounced up and down at the annunciation. Then he switched to Joseph, and he was a very protective and organised Joseph.

I was now Mary in the stable, so I dared to play: I groaned, I rubbed my back in agony, I moaned at Joseph to make the pain stop. I said I was worried about giving birth in the dirt.

Joseph, to his credit, stroked my hair and told me he had found a broom, and started sweeping out the stable. Then he stopped, because there, on our blue and white carpet, was a one-penny piece.

“Mary!” my boy exclaimed. “Look! I’ve found some money. I’ll just go out to the shops and buy a present for baby Jesus so he has a toy to play with!”

It was entirely anachronistic, and entirely perfect.

I am exploring what it means to have a theology of play. Alice Buckley is helping me with that, as is my now four-year-old. I am more relaxed about it than I was last year, and I am catching some of that excitement of what it means to enter into the story. Play is a rebellion, but not against God, against my perfectionist and control-freak tendencies.

I still can’t articulate it properly – I feel like I’m on the cusp of discovering something more about myself, and creativity, and meditation, and God. I am the person who likes to be able to explain everything – but I can’t talk it, and I can’t fully write it, but I feel it, and I am experiencing it.

I am wondering if we are designed for play, even as adults. I am wondering if God likes to play, too.

“You can be Jesus now,” he says, and in a matter of seconds before we start the next part of our play, I consider how to be Jesus.

Through my head runs the mystery of God who created outer space contained in a dark womb for nine months, God who shaped the blue whale gripping onto Mary’s thumb, the Creator who spoke roaring waves into existence screaming with tiny lungs.
“Goo goo, ga ga,” I said, and as I look up at my son from the carpet, I gaze with fresh wonder.
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Thank you, Tanya, for sharing your experience and your thoughts on sharing your faith through role play.
Why not try some role play with your little one this Christmas season? If your baby is too young to role play, take the time to tell the wonderful Christmas story. Your child will absorb your enthusiasm and begin to love one of the greatest stories ever told!

Play Matters!

November 13, 2014 by imdiane

Pauline is an Aussie mum and teacher who shares her love for play, math games, writing and reading activities at: LessonsLearntJournal.com

I was reminded of the adage that play is a child’s work. It’s easy to get tired of the mess our kids make when they are playing and forget the real value of that play. On the other hand, we can get goal oriented, planning their play and not allow for their own experimentation and joy of discovery. With that in mind, consider Pauline’s five main points about play based learning.

1. Let them choose. This means letting them choose who to work with, what they want to play with, and where they want to play. Children learn best when they are motivated. Having more control of their own play and following their own interests motivates them to learn.

2. Let them be creative. This doesn’t mean we need to teach in a more creative way. It means we provide time and resources for children to think outside the box.

3. Let them be curious. This means letting the child choose what they want to investigate. They discover the world about them through questioning and testing their ideas.

4. Let them take risks. This means letting the child try and fail. It can be very hard to let them try some outlandish way to solve the problem, but they often learn best by failed trials. Encourage their resilience and perseverance in problem solving.

5. Let them connect with others. Pauline wrote, “Children are social learners. A key part of being a social learner is the communication between those playing, whether that is adult to child or child to child. Let them try out their ideas in a safe and secure environment while learning the rules of a range of different forms of communication including talk, body language and turn taking. E.g. we share our ideas and listen to one another; we talk one at a time; we respect each other’s opinions; we give reasons to explain our ideas; if we disagree we ask why?; we always try to be kind and loving.”

Visit Pauline’s blog for a wealth of ideas to provide your child great opportunities to learn through play.