• Home
  • First Steps Bulletins
    • For Boys
    • For Girls
    • Unang Mga Tikang
  • Steps on the Way
    • Babies
    • Toddlers
    • Preschool
    • Kindergarten
  • Parent Tips
  • Resources
    • Teaching
      • Teach to Read
      • Teach Handwriting
      • Math Concepts
      • Teach Spiritual Life
    • Kid Friendly Recipes
    • Special Needs
      • Cerebral Palsy
      • Autism
      • Learning Differences
      • AD(H)D
    • When to Call the Doctor
    • Book Reviews
    • Interesting Information
  • Links
  • About
    • Copyright Statement
    • Terms of Use
    • Privacy Policy

Your Child's Journey

wisdom for the big steps little children take

You are here: Home / Archives for Uncategorized

Parenting Styles

August 28, 2018 By Diane Constantine

Share

I was asked ­­some good questions this month and thought I’d take this opportunity to share my thoughts about them with you.

Q. What are your thoughts about each spouse having a different parenting style? How do you balance between the two to get the best out of it?  

I know there needs to be consistency in approach, but I also realise that we each have strengths of our own and it would be beneficial for our child to experience a bit of both our approaches.

So I’m thinking how do we integrate both our approaches and at the same time, allow each other the room for discretion/creativity in the way we relate to our child?

A. Let’s begin by recognizing there will be differences in parenting styles in every couple. We came from different backgrounds and experienced different parenting styles in our own homes. We have different personalities and different expectations.

I think at the core of the question is the concern that we will confuse and/or in some way harm our child if we do things differently.

I believe if both parents are operating out of love and concern for the child, they can cooperate for the child’s good. So, how does this work?

1. Parents never ‘correct’ each other in front of the child. So kiddo doesn’t have to sort out which parent to listen to or fear the disunity of the parents. Whoever has told the child what to do or how to do it, completes that episode. If the other disagrees, talk about it privately and agree for future action.

2. If one or the other has a particularly strong opinion in a certain issue, the other let’s that one make the decision. But it should not always go one way or the other. Be willing to see the other’s point of view.

3. Perfectionism should yield to spontaneity when tensions rise. From our own experience, I was usually the perfectionist and wanted things finished and finished correctly. But this could drive everyone right into a bad mood or stubbornness. My husband would step in and say, ‘Enough. Time to do something else.’ At first I’d get mad, but I came to appreciate his more relaxed style. Most things do not need perfection.

4. Kids can adjust well to differing styles. We teach our children it is OK to run and be loud outside but not in the house. Or we teach them you may touch anything that is on this table, but don’t touch anything in that cabinet. So why not teach them you may rough house with dad and work puzzles with mom? The differences will be much bigger in some style differences and as the kids grow up, but the principle is the same.

Here’s an example from our sons’ teen years to see how this works through all our parenting. My husband let our sons choose their music. He would refuse a few of the worst, but let them play most music as loud as they liked. I couldn’t stand loud music, especially with a strong beat. So when Mike was around and I wasn’t, they played the music at earsplitting volume. When I was alone with them,  I would ask if it was music Dad approved. If so, they could listen, but only if they kept the volume down or used earphones. They joked, ‘Mom rules or Dad rules.’ But they accepted it.

Q.  Also I am aware that as the child gets older, they will tend to wisen up and manipulate each parent based on what they know about their individual approach. For example, one parent is more lenient, so the child will tend to ask for permission for something from that parent instead of the stricter one.

A. The parents pretty well know what their spouse will answer when permission is being requested. If the one who is more lenient is asked, they should either say, “We’ll talk about it and give you an answer later.” Or, “Go ask the stricter parent first. That will be the answer.”

This was the follow-up rule in our house and this endured from early childhood through adolescence. If they got a no from one parent, they could not go to the other parent to try to get a yes. Here’s how it worked:

Child asks Parent 1, “Can I. . . ?” That parent says, “No.”

So off he goes to Parent 2. “Can I.  .  . ?”

Parent 2 should ask, “Did you ask Parent 1? What was the answer?” When the child answers, “No.”

Then Parent 2 should say, “Then that’s the answer.”

If they ever managed to get the answer they wanted, they automatically lost the privilege. No questions asked and no appeal. They will only try this once.

We’ll take some other questions to answer in the next few newsletter. Keep a look out for more Q and A.

Share

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Ways to Encourage Honesty

March 3, 2016 By Diane Constantine

Share

I read an article this month by Amy McCready, writing for Positive Parenting Solutions . In her article on seven steps to encourage honesty, she reported that lying is a developmental mile marker. “When your preschooler starts lying, it’s simply a new developmental milestone, according to research by Kang Lee, a University of Toronto professor and director of the Institute of Child Study. This shift signifies changes in the way your child organizes information. It’s a normal step, so you don’t need to worry about your little one becoming a pathological liar.

Though it’s a normal stage of development, we still want to know how best to deal with this misbehavior so that it doesn’t continue. Amy says, “[Children] want to avoid punishment, disappointing their parents or an unpleasant outcome. Would you be honest if you knew it would cause you humiliation, a lecture, a punishment or being yelled at?

“And naturally, when our kids blatantly lie to us, we want to punish them to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happens – when we punish kids for lying, they’ll keep doing it in the hopes of avoiding any future punishment. So if we can’t punish them, how do we put a stop to the lies? Keeping in mind the reasons why kids lie, we can create an environment where they feel safe telling the truth. The following seven tips can help you make your home a more honest place.”

Here are her seven steps. To read the entire article go to: Seven Steps to Encourage Honesty in our Kids and Put an End to Lying.

  1. Keep calm and parent on. If your kids worry about being yelled at or punished when they mess up, they won’t want to come to you with the truth. Focus on using a calm voice. That doesn’t mean kids are off the hook for lying. But instead of getting angry and assigning blame, discuss solutions to the problem with your child.
  2. Don’t set up a lie. When we ask questions to which we already know the answer, we’re giving our children the opportunity to tell a lie. Instead, emphasize ways to address the situation. Ask questions like: “What are your plans for finishing your work?” and “What can we do to clean this up and make sure it doesn’t happen next time?” This can help head off a power struggle and allows your child to save face by focusing on a plan of action instead of fabricating an excuse.
  3. Get the whole truth. Get to the root of the problem and why she couldn’t be honest. Open up a conversation gently, saying, “That sounds like a story to me. You must be worried about something and afraid to tell the truth. Let’s talk about that. What would help you be honest?”
  4. Celebrate honest. Say something like: “I really appreciate you telling me what really happened. That must have been difficult for you, but I really appreciate you telling the truth and taking responsibility.”
  5. Delight in do-overs. Turn the mistake into a learning opportunity. Ask, “If you could have a do-over, what would you do differently?” and brainstorm different ideas.
  6. Show the love. Let your kids know you love them unconditionally, even when they make mistakes. Make sure they know that while you don’t like their poor behavior, you will never love them any less because of the mistakes they might make. This helps your kids feel safe opening up to you.
  7. Walk the talk. Remember that your kids are always looking to you and learning from your actions. Those little white lies we tell, whether it’s to get out of dog sitting for the neighbors or helping with the school fundraiser, aren’t harmless – they’re showing your kids that it’s okay to lie.

Some of these principles we have highlighted many times before. But it is always good to review them in light of specific parenting situations we face.

Many of your children are not yet to the stage where they lie, for you, being forewarned may keep you from increasing the likelihood of more lying when it begins. For those of you who have already detected your children in lies, hopefully this and other articles will help you to discover the root cause of the lies your children tell.

A Better Way to Stop Lying is a previously published article on Your Child’s Journey that you may find helpful too.

Share

Filed Under: Kindergarten, Preschooler, Uncategorized Tagged With: discipline, honesty, lies

  • « Previous Page
  • 1
  • 2

search Site

Contact Me

Please ask questions or make comments by emailing me at: Diane

Recent Posts

  • Vocabulary Growth February 10, 2019
  • Speech Development February 3, 2019
  • New Year Goals January 4, 2019

Topics

attitudes autism baby signing bi-lingual bonding breast-feeding breast pump character chores communication dad daddy development developmental delay discipline doctor eating feeding food intolerance games hearing humor illness immunizations independence lies listening meltdown pacifier parenting play post-partum depression potty training preschool reading safety self esteem separation anxiety sleep stammering tantrums temperament time toys tummy time

My Sites

  • Facebook – Parent Tips Parenting Tips for babies and children.
  • FaceBook – Your Child's Journey Updates as they happen will be posted on Facebook
  • Intermin My husband’s site for marriage, parenting, and choosing a life partner.
  • Peter's Wife My site for women living and working cross culturally
  • Pinterest Boards My boards with great links to subjects of interest

© Copyright 2019 YourChildsJourney.com · All Rights Reserved