Kindergarten | Your Child's Journey

The Midnight Baptism

October 3, 2016 by Diane Constantine

One dark and stormy night (oh, yes, I know that first line is overused), Jane (only an alias because none of us want to think we could be like this), lost it.

It had been an exceptionally trying day with her toddler, Terror (not his real name, but definitely the right name for that day). Everything he had touched got broken, spilled, or lost. Everything he had said all day was at maximum volume and with such urgency it couldn’t be ignored.

Jane, on the other hand, had tried every good parenting technique she had ever read about. When they all failed, she fell back on screaming back at him, trying to ignore his antics, and crying.

Jane had finally gotten Terror to bed and was just sitting down to a soothing cup of chamomile tea, when Terror called, “Mommy,” in a sweet, soft voice. Touched by the change in tone and volume, she decided to go see what he wanted. Surely, this would just take a moment.

“Mommy, I want some water.”

“OK, Honey, just a minute.” Off Jane trotted to the sink to get a glass of water.

Back by his bedside, “Here you are.”

Terror looked up and said, “I don’t want any water.”

Jane shrugged, she tucked Terror under his cover and said, “Good night. See you in the morning.”

She just picked up her cup of tea when she heard, “Mommy, I want some water.”

Annoyed, she got a glass of water and told Terror to drink up. He announced that he didn’t need any water.

She said, “Are you sure? I don’t want to hear you ask for water again.”
“No, I don’t want water,” he said firmly.

She went back to her now lukewarm chamomile; she collapsed on her sofa.
Not one minute later, “Mommy, I really do need water!”

She carried the water to the room. Looked at that smug little Terror. Held the glass over his head and baptized him!

When the screaming stopped, she didn’t even really mind remaking his bed and changing his clothes. She had had the last word!

When she got back to the living room, she began to weep, “I’m the most awful mother in the world!” Fortunately, her husband was there and on his best form. “You are the best mommy Teddy (his real name) could have! You have just had one of the worst days ever with him and you both survived! Tomorrow will be better. I love you. I love the mother you are to Teddy, and I’ll pray for you. God will give you the wisdom and the grace you need to be the best possible mommy for Teddy.”

What a guy! Sometimes a good husband is better than a whole pot of chamomile tea. And the next day was better.

Here are some things to think about:
Some days are just horrible days. Everything seems to go wrong. That’s life and everyone faces days like this sometimes.

Most children have bad days sometimes. Some have more than the average, but they are still normal.

Consider the cause:

Is your child physically well? Sometimes teething, an ear ache, sore throat, or rash is really the cause of the bad behavior.
Is there tension in the home? Contention between parents or other adults living with you will stir your child to be more troublesome than usual.
Are you preoccupied? Some one-on-one attention with the trouble maker will reassure him that you still love him and are there for him.

Some ways to deal with your ‘Terror’:
One mother knew she was getting too angry at her misbehaving son. She needed a time out. She took him to his room (knowing he was safe there) and told him he must stay there until they both calmed down. This was not rejection or punishment; it was a wise way to prevent a punishment explosion.

One time a teething baby cried so much and nothing had worked. To get a break from the screaming, his mom put him in his crib, closed the door and turned up the music. After a while she was able to go back and try again to cuddle and console her hurting baby. Again, knowing her limits, she took care of herself too.

Some experts suggest that you should never let a child cry like that; others say that letting them cry, if there is no other serious problem causing their discomfort, can be the only thing you can do. In this mom’s case she made a decision that helped her and her baby.

Take advantage of times when someone else can watch your child for a while. Don’t use those times for chores. Do what will really rest and refresh you.

Having a confidante, prayer partner, or friend that you can confide your anger and frustration to can make all the difference.

Pay attention to what your husband says about the situation. Sometimes he can see a solution that you can’t because you are too close to the problem.

Be ready to encourage another mom you meet that is having a horrible, no good, awful day with her child. It will make you both feel better. Midnight baptisms do give way to sunny mornings.

Nagging and Negotiating

August 3, 2016 by Diane Constantine

girl begging This article is not about your habits of nagging and negotiating, it’s about your kids’. However, they may have learned it from you in the first place. We may not even realize we nag or negotiate. When our kids don’t do what we say the first time we ask, we may begin a downward spiral.

When we ask our children over and over again, we are nagging. Nagging sends the message that we don’t really expect them do to what we say. Sometimes when they don’t comply, we begin to plead or negotiate for obedience. Children who are used to nagging or negotiating tend to wait until that ‘certain’ point when they know they must obey. We really must not nag or negotiate, as they can catch the habit and become very skilled at getting their way.

They discover how effective it can be in just one moment of weakness when we cave in and let them have what they want. It only takes once. From then on, they will try it on everything from a sweet before dinner to staying up a little later to expecting a toy every time they go shopping with you.

They will try it on every adult involved in their care. But if you observe carefully, you may see that they never try it with certain adults. Maybe they torment you and your husband, but never seem to do it at preschool. They may hassle your parents, but never nag your husband. Perhaps that adult knows the key is to never, ever give in. The kids know it and quit trying with them.

But any learned behavior can be unlearned. That’s the truth. It only takes consistency.

Amy McCready, at Positive Parenting Solutions, has a three-word answer that will stop nagging. She calls it, “Asked and answered.” Here is her example of how it works:

The concept is simple. When seven-year-old Daniel begs to dig a giant hole in the front yard and gets “no” for an answer, chances are he’ll be back in five minutes asking again – this time with a “pleeeeeeaase” just so you know he really, really wants to dig the hole.

Instead of repeating yourself or jumping in to a lecture, avoid child nagging by getting eye to eye and follow the process below:

Step One: Ask, “Have you ever heard of ‘Asked and Answered’?” (He’ll probably say no.)

Step Two: Ask, “Did you ask me a question about digging a hole?” (He’ll say yes.)

Step Three: Ask, “Did I answer it?” (He’ll probably say, “Yes, but, I really ….”)

Step Four: Ask, “Do I look like the kind of mom/dad/teacher who will change her/his mind if you ask me the same thing over and over?” (Chances are Daniel will walk away, maybe with a frustrated grunt, and engage in something else.)

Step Five: If Daniel asks again, simply say, “Asked and Answered.” (No other words are necessary!) Once this technique has been established, these are the only words you should need to say to address nagging questions.

So the next time your child tries to nag or negotiate for their way, try ‘Asked and Answered.’ It saves arguments, whining, and frustration. Try it and keep using it. When they have asked and gotten the same answer 12 times or more, they will retire the tactic. In a few weeks or months, they may try again, just remember, “Asked and Answered.”

For some other help on getting your kids to do what you want the first time you ask, please read what Dr. Leman says in, Have a New Kid by Friday:

Top 10 list of what it takes to discipline kids

Two techniques that work.

What Kids Want Most

May 4, 2016 by Diane Constantine

Please take a minute or two to watch the short video. It is eye-opening!

Who would you most like to eat dinner with?

Did it surprise you as much as it did me? Research shows that as long as a child’s basic needs for food, clothing, shelter, and safety are provided, children want and need most the love and attention of their parents.

Kate Schweitzer says, “What your little one really wants is something that doesn’t cost you a cent but is perhaps more difficult to provide than anything you can put on your credit card — it’s your time. Between long hours at work, endless chores, and the allure of digital distractions, what should be the easiest thing to give is, these days, the most difficult.”

Becky Mansfield at YourModernFamily.com said many of the children in her study wanted their parents to be less stressed and less tired. I think that is getting closer to the root of the problem.

All of us love our children and want to give them our attention. But! That takes time and planning and concentration.

When we have spent the day at a busy job, we’re tired and stressed. We don’t give our best attention when we are exhausted. Getting home, fixing dinner, making sure everyone has what they need for tomorrow makes us less gentle and patient with our kids.

Becky had some very practical tips to help us be less stressed and more able to give the time and attention our kids want. Here are some of her suggestions:

Get on a schedule. This takes some of the stress out of your day because you know what you need to do.
Have your kids help with your chores. This lessens your load and teaches them valuable lessons.
Get everything ready the night before to make mornings less hectic. Get a better start to your day.
Limit your “online” time. If everyone limits their online time, there is more time to share together.
Simplify your laundry and cooking chores. Get everyone involved to streamline the process.
Laugh! Find ways to have FUN with your family.

Read more from Becky on What do kids want most from their parents?

Ways to Encourage Honesty

March 3, 2016 by Diane Constantine

I read an article this month by Amy McCready, writing for Positive Parenting Solutions . In her article on seven steps to encourage honesty, she reported that lying is a developmental mile marker. “When your preschooler starts lying, it’s simply a new developmental milestone, according to research by Kang Lee, a University of Toronto professor and director of the Institute of Child Study. This shift signifies changes in the way your child organizes information. It’s a normal step, so you don’t need to worry about your little one becoming a pathological liar.

Though it’s a normal stage of development, we still want to know how best to deal with this misbehavior so that it doesn’t continue. Amy says, “[Children] want to avoid punishment, disappointing their parents or an unpleasant outcome. Would you be honest if you knew it would cause you humiliation, a lecture, a punishment or being yelled at?

“And naturally, when our kids blatantly lie to us, we want to punish them to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what happens – when we punish kids for lying, they’ll keep doing it in the hopes of avoiding any future punishment. So if we can’t punish them, how do we put a stop to the lies? Keeping in mind the reasons why kids lie, we can create an environment where they feel safe telling the truth. The following seven tips can help you make your home a more honest place.”

Here are her seven steps. To read the entire article go to: Seven Steps to Encourage Honesty in our Kids and Put an End to Lying.

Keep calm and parent on. If your kids worry about being yelled at or punished when they mess up, they won’t want to come to you with the truth. Focus on using a calm voice. That doesn’t mean kids are off the hook for lying. But instead of getting angry and assigning blame, discuss solutions to the problem with your child.
Don’t set up a lie. When we ask questions to which we already know the answer, we’re giving our children the opportunity to tell a lie. Instead, emphasize ways to address the situation. Ask questions like: “What are your plans for finishing your work?” and “What can we do to clean this up and make sure it doesn’t happen next time?” This can help head off a power struggle and allows your child to save face by focusing on a plan of action instead of fabricating an excuse.
Get the whole truth. Get to the root of the problem and why she couldn’t be honest. Open up a conversation gently, saying, “That sounds like a story to me. You must be worried about something and afraid to tell the truth. Let’s talk about that. What would help you be honest?”
Celebrate honest. Say something like: “I really appreciate you telling me what really happened. That must have been difficult for you, but I really appreciate you telling the truth and taking responsibility.”
Delight in do-overs. Turn the mistake into a learning opportunity. Ask, “If you could have a do-over, what would you do differently?” and brainstorm different ideas.
Show the love. Let your kids know you love them unconditionally, even when they make mistakes. Make sure they know that while you don’t like their poor behavior, you will never love them any less because of the mistakes they might make. This helps your kids feel safe opening up to you.
Walk the talk. Remember that your kids are always looking to you and learning from your actions. Those little white lies we tell, whether it’s to get out of dog sitting for the neighbors or helping with the school fundraiser, aren’t harmless – they’re showing your kids that it’s okay to lie.

Some of these principles we have highlighted many times before. But it is always good to review them in light of specific parenting situations we face.

Many of your children are not yet to the stage where they lie, for you, being forewarned may keep you from increasing the likelihood of more lying when it begins. For those of you who have already detected your children in lies, hopefully this and other articles will help you to discover the root cause of the lies your children tell.

A Better Way to Stop Lying is a previously published article on Your Child’s Journey that you may find helpful too.

Happiest Families

August 28, 2014 by imdiane

I read Eric Barker’s post 6 Things the Happiest Families Have in Common. I’d like to take his ideas and personalize them.

Have a mission statement

The happiest families have a mission statement. Another way to describe a mission statement is a set of goals the family is reaching for. It is very hard to know if we have done well, if we don’t know what the goal is. Having goals, we can periodically assess our progress and make adjustments to more nearly meet our goals. Or we may decide a goal has been reached or is no longer important and make some new goals.

You may need to take some time as parents to think and pray about what are your values and what goals you want for your family. You may make several goals as your mission statement. To help you get started, try completing the following statements.

“We want our family to be. . .”
“We want to be a family that. . .”

You may decide you want your family to be supportive of each member developing their talents. Or, you want to be a family that reaches out to those less fortunate than you are.

Share your family history

The happiest families tell and retell the family history. Grandparents and aunts and uncles tell stories from their childhood and even what they heard from their grandparents. Tell the good things to instill hope for success. But also share the tough times and how the family came through the crises. What did family members do that was praiseworthy? What has set your family apart from others?

When children know they are part of a family with a history, it can give them confidence to stand in times when they have to be different than the culture around them. They can say, “I’m a famly name, and our family doesn’t do things like that!”

Weekly family meetings

Many of you don’t have children old enough to have a family meeting. For you, it might be wise as parents to have a weekly meeting together and answer these questions for yourselves and with your little children in mind.

For those of you with children old enough to take part, set aside about 20 minutes once a week to give everyone a chance to answer these questions.

What worked well this week?
What didn’t work well this week?
What will we agree to work on in the coming week?

If the kids met the previous week’s goal, they get to pick a reward (with parent’s approval). If they did not meet their goal, they get to pick from previously agreed upon punishments.

Following this plan helps keep the goal before everyone’s minds. It also means you’re keeping short accounts and not adding to the list of failures week after week. There is much better chance of success if things are dealt with quickly and rewarded fairly.

How to fight right

Since no family can always escape fights between members, here’s a way to deal with fights where each one feels it is fair. When a fight breaks out:

Separate everybody to think about what just happened. This reduces the emotions that boiled over.
They get back together and come up with three alternatives. There must be three choices of resolutions.
They pick the one they like the best. This way everyone has a say and they have agreed on the solution. This keeps the parents from being dictators.

Family Dinner

With our busy schedules dinnertime may not work to get everyone together. You may choose any meal of the day when everyone should be present nearly every day. In most family dinners the amount of time for ‘real’ talk is only about 10 minutes when “pass the salt” and “get your elbows off the table” are excluded. In most families, the parents talk at least 2/3 of that 10 minutes. The happiest families turn it upside down and the children are the ones who talk 2/3 of the time.

Make sure everyone has a chance to say something to the whole family. They may tell about something that happened during the day, some news that others should know, or why they feel happy or sad.

Parents should teach one new word each day. Children who eat a meal each day with their parents are less likely to drink, smoke, do drugs, get pregnant, commit suicide, or develop eating disorders than kids who don’t eat with their family. They also have better academic achievement and fewer behavioral problems. So it is worth rearranging your schedule to include one family meal everyday.

Just Try!

Everyone wants a happier family. These are things that the happiest families all do. Will you succeed at all of them? Probably not, at least not all the time. But if you want to have a happier family, try to include these strategies into your family’s life. Just try! If you can’t do all of them, start with one of them. When you see that you can do that, try adding another.

Remember to pray for each member of your family every day. Bless your children as they begin and end their day. God will help you to set good goals and give you the wisdom you need to help your children grow to be the best possible version of themselves.

Eric Barker compiles information from many reputable sources to answer questions many of us have. You can receive his emails by requesting them at his blog, Barking Up the Wrong Tree.

For another article on finding fun in marriage see, Have Fun or Else!